Insecurity and trust.

"A person who is insecure lacks confidence in their own value and capability, lacks trust in themselves or others, or has fears that a present positive state is temporary and will let them down and cause them loss or distress by "going wrong" in the future."


I have been through a state where i feel so insecure, a feeling of not good enough, a feeling of distrust towards my loved ones. those feelings are a hell hole. when you start developing those kind of feeling, it opens so many doors that leads you to being paranoid all the time. and it's tiring.
and when you are tired, you will be careless and simply don't care anymore.

i hate being insecure. and i have been in a relationship where my ex-boyfriend was the reason i became like that. and he did not help to make it easier even though i already tried talking to him. he didn't know how to make things right. and when he made an effort, it was just too late. i became that cold person who simply don't care. that's why i broke up with him. i can't trust him and the many chances in that 5 years we were together that i gave him apparently cannot build my trust again.
i realized now when that trust was broken, he never fully fix it, instead he broke it even more, smash it and left it hanging. insecurity in a relationship comes from a feeling of distrust.

so i learn from that.. after i broke up, i was able to putting myself back together with a help from my best friends. and i can say that i am being reborn. i am happy as ever right now, my best friends are always there and they make me laugh, always. and we talk about everything, and i mean literally everything. there are no lies, no fakeness, our relationship have no room for insecurity. we might be gossiping about each other a lot, but those thing we're saying behind, we will be telling it directly to the person at the end. our bond and closeness is overwhelming.

this friends for life type of relationship is rare and i feel so blessed to have it. there are some people who didn't have this type of friend and end up being a back stabber. some people who didn't have any real friends. because there are no trust, it left so many rooms for insecurity. afraid that their friend will talk behind their back, afraid that these friends will left them, afraid that their secrets will be leak out. so many things to be afraid of.. what's even worse is when you think he/she is your real friend, but the truth is they actually don't like you. that is the worst thing possible. if that happen, i don't know who should be blame.. i cannot imagine myself in that position. so, that's why i am so thankful.

i feel like writing about all of these because of one recent event. not because i still have grudge, nothing like that at all. now, i am not the one who is insecure, but i might be causing someone to feel it. because i have been there, i understood. but what made me angry is the way she handled things. lies, uncontrollable emotions, involving third party into the mess, basically everything that is wrong.
seriously, i am not one to ruins other people's relationship. everything she thought of was wrong. i could care less about her relationship, i just care about his family. and even when i met his family, i choose the time when he is not around. basically because i respect her feeling, even though apparently she is not one to respect mine.
i am so angry, but there's a part of me who pity her too. i mean how insecure one should be, to snooping around my twitter account up until october 2010? i mean how much drive she must have.. because when i try to do it myself (snooping on my own twitter acc), i almost give up. and how insecure she was to try find things about me, when i don't even care about her boyfriend anymore, when i don't even in contact with him anymore.. and she even have the effort to ask her friend to ask about me to my best friend's friend, confusing no? so much people being put into this.
at first i don't care, i was just laughing it off. said she was just being weird and pity her. but then she came up with something and trying to put a blame on me, it sets me off. i am so angry, because of what she said didn't even make sense, she's not that important for me to be written on my twitter account. i spilled it all out, and basically what i am saying are all true whereas she only exaggerate things. she make all the wrong moves after, lies some more and even stupid to tell those things to a person who is basically trust me more. and she's not even good friend with her, and she suddenly tells all that. what she wants to gain from that? to pull the girl to her side? i can always pull her back, she is my best friend's best friend. and my best friend knows exactly what happened to me. go find a real friend and tell your stories to her instead.

i wish she have more guts to tell all those lies directly at me.

i might be angry right now, but i understood her. i just wish she do something to make it right. apologize should be a first step i think.. well then again not every people have the same thought as mind.

i feel like lashing out my anger and it's done. i talk to my best friend, cursing her and then laughing. also i am writing it down here, so now i am good. even if she wants him not to contacting me anymore, i am all good. since it doesn't really affect my life. i just wish he would tell me first if he will do that.

Regards,
Rani

After 6 months..

.. since my last post.

so much things happened over 6 or 7 months since June 2010
my thesis got an A on July 2010, and i graduated on August
i have spent July 2010 with a blast after i successfully defend my thesis
i had spent weekends at Bandung simultaneously with best friends, the first weekend on July with childhood friends, try on new places at Bandung and indulging ourselves with foods.
and the next weekend, i spent it with my high school friends, try on new things, like off-road gokart and riding on ATV.
Such a blissful month.
and then i graduate, spent fasting month and celebrated Ied Day with my Big Family.

then comes October..

Where i got my current job. my life has been like a roller coaster ride since then.
never was a workaholic, but my job require me to be one.
its an enjoyable office, but i stress out a lot because of the job desc.
i love the people, but i think i will not last all that long in this office.
i learn a lot though, like a lot. and this will be a great experience.

an opportunity to live my ever dream came, because of my current client is having a project involving them to go to Greece, i might be going too at the end of this June for 10 days.
surely the way to finally go there will be filled with rocks and thorns, will make me bleeding all the waaaaaay .. to the Greece.
although my boss was already said that i am going, but i think its too good to be true.
a 10 days trip to one of the places i want to go to before i die for FREE?
isn't that too good to be true?
although it will be for work, instead of holiday, i still think its too good to be true.
and i am a firm believer, that when things are too surreal, too good to be true, then it is too good to be true.

just wait till 18th of June i think, that's when all the things will be finalized. and there will be a certain decision on whether i am going to Greece or not.
truth be told i am not that excited when i heard the news. stupid much you must say isn't it?
especially when Greece is the number one on my list of places i have to see before i die
but it's just doesn't seem real, and i must have think of the painful road i have to took to get there.
seems like, i can only get excited when the ticket is already on my hand with my name written on it. and when all the projects before are already done of course.

that's one of exciting news these past months. and it's about work.

And then comes 2011 and i started it with a bunch of best friends, watching fireworks up in a hill just outside Bandung. we were having BBQ and play paint balls, simply having fun.

a recent event which i never guessed would happen is taking place right now.
my two best friends are in a relationship or committed relationship if i am saying it with their words. tho its only slightly different, they insist on calling themselves as partner instead of boyfriend-girlfriend. yeah, right whatever (rolls eyes).
but still, i am over the moon. who wouldn't be happy if two of your best friends were being happily in love together. and their like my BEST friends. its Amy and Rian.
I have known Amy since 11 years ago, and been close for like forever. and i already been best friend with Rian since 8 years or so. i know them so well, and i made this happen. yes, i do take credit for it. (grin)

because i was the first one to think that these two people were a match, so i try to talk them into getting to know each other. and finally Rian made a move, and i am sitting on a side (quietly and peacefully), just watching on how their relationship progressing. and now i am like a happy mother to see that without excessive meddling from me, they truly are a match. so, i am right all along.
this was a personal project for me. i never told them of what the do's and dont's while they're getting to know each other. i mean, i could've just make it easier, and giving each of them direction on how they should treat each other, since i know exactly what makes each of them happy or upset (yes, i know them that well). but i just want them to be exactly who they are to each other, not their pretentious self, even if it took a slower progress but i think there's no need to rush. all the good things in life should took time to build. then again i believe, it's their true selves that are a match. and i just have to say it again, my personal project is successful. thank God.
I love the two of them to death, and i could not be any happier seeing them right now. the two of them have been through a lot with their past relationship, and they deserves to be happy with each other.

there are a lot of things happened during these past 6 months, i should've wrote it down often during that period. When there are exciting things happening in my life. or even not so exciting things. just so i can look back, reading things i have done and reminiscing. like what i just did this morning, reading my own blog and found how time flies. and how i grew a lot from time to time.
i just wish i'd grow into a better person.

i have been the happiest in my life since the second part of 2010. and reading my blog kinda made me all sentimental. i surely experienced a lot of things in my life, that makes me who i am right now.

have a great weekend!

Loves,
Rani