Birthday Girl!

my best friend is having her 23th birthday, and wish her nothing but the best. love you dear! :)

i matter.

Say what you mean and mean what you say, because people that mind don't matter and people that matter don't mind.

i terribly like the quote above. i am one to say what i want straightforwardly, not everyone can accept it, but that's just how it is. sometimes i even say too much. too much information, or maybe too much details. i am one of those people who talks about almost everything.

i can have long chitchat about non sense when i have too. emphasize on HAVE to. have means when at work, to my clients or bosses. but most of the time, it was tiring to be fake. not saying i'm not sincerely being nice, its just for certain people i just have to fake it off.

related to the quote above and why i like it so much. is the fact that i always explained everything i said, and most of the time i always meant what i say.

i hate people who often held themselves back, because they were simply mind. with many reasons, some were afraid that the other end will be angry, some were afraid people will think bad about them, etc.

you see, in my personal opinion, misunderstanding happened because people mind saying what they truly means. and misunderstanding can led you to losing your opportunity, chances, and time. when you can say the truth, why should lie? honesty is surely the best policy.

i'm not being a prude nor a saint though. trust me, i do lies. when needed and usually for unimportant things. like when my father asked me why i got home late at night on weekends, things like many young people do lies about.

but here's a secret i'd like to share. one of my utmost goal in life is simply to be matter. to be remember. and to touch someone's heart so that when i'm gone people will notice and i will be missed.

so, if by saying what i mean, by constantly trying to be true to myself, trying to be honest is what makes me matter, then i just have to try and do what i have been doing.

that is one nice quote, don't you think? :)

a hopeless romantic with a nature to logically turns everything into logic :)

Yes such a long title this blog has.

So let me start off with the definition of Hopeless Romantic. This person is in love with love. They believe in fairy tales and love. They're not to be confused as stalkers or creepy because that's not what a hopeless romantic is. All hopeless romantics are idealists, the sentimental dreamers, the imaginative and the fanciful when you get to know them. They often live with rose colored glasses on. They make lovelook like an art form with all the romantic things they do for their special someone.

so what happen when a Leo, with a habit to analyze everything, is such a hopeless romantic?

it becoming a frantic, over analyze, reading too much into everything, make everything a sign and have an unreasonable amount of expectation.. in short, me as of this moment.

even to get to the point where i finally understand what i want and/or should do, i still have a lot of expectation. now i try to make the most of it, trying to find some value so i am not just wasting my time. i should learn to have less expectation, less thinking and just let it flow. i need my happy-go-lucky old self back!

Note: ah, i am too sleepy, will update on this entry later.

:)

so i cannot stop smiling today.
i am so thrilled, that i have been smiling ear to ear the whole day.
and i have been daydreaming, remembering the things that made me smile.
i feel like i am glowing for God sakes!
the corniest line that ever came out of my mouth, will be when i say "i even feel tired because of the non stop smiling!"
oh dear, so this is how it feel isn't? i forgot the feeling.
exhilarating yet scary. i am falling free and i should prepare when i hit the ground hard..
so i should just enjoy it, right? the sensation in my guts when i am falling, the view from above, and the feeling of flying high..

i feel like tweeting but i can't. i pour out on this blog but i still have to be discreet. i feel like bursting.

still.. i am happy. not just because of today, but because of the fact that i can feel this way again..

:)

Nguping Jakarta.

so i've got my story posted on Nguping Jakarta. *grin

Kalau kotor nanti ditilang!

Ibu: "Nak! Pake serbetnya! Itu banyak polisi!"

Dalam sebuah mobil di Sudirman, didengar adik kakak yang berpikir ibunya ingin menyuapi mereka lagi.

Posted by Nguping Jakarta at 8:11 PM

My mom often said funny out-of-the-world kind of remarks. me and my sisters always got a good laughs about that. nevertheless, i love you Mom. your funny remarks got me on Nguping Jakarta! (not that important, but still.. *grin)

Just another post.

so after posting my latest entry, i was scrolling down to read my old ones.
and i got struck on how unhappy i've sound 2 years ago.
like i had lost direction, and sounds so.. lonely.
and i am sure as hell i have never been lonely, because i got friends, family and even a boyfriend back then.
shoot, i must've living my life just like that, and wasting time. that's why i sounded like that.
or maybe.. just maybe.. my old life was just a routine. a comfort zone, which actually not that comforting but i cannot let go.
to be in a better place since a year ago and maintaining things till now, need a lot of determination.
thank God i am able to get through it all.
but i am a bit unhappy lately, so i am afraid of things will becoming just like then.
knocks three times on the wood. i don't want to ruin my life because of unimportant things.
ah, i really should learn to let go of things.

Mind over matter.

i am left abashed by the sudden turns of things.
clenching my fists and jaw, and cringe my face every time i remember it.
i am not one who can get tease, and stay cool. i am bit old fashioned like that.
but i hate how people misinterpret me. because things got a little bit out of control and awkward.

i have this determination, that i should stop. because i really really hate situation like this.
and then again, i kinda think.. i have to be my old self, where everything are under my control, even my own feeling.
i should not care, nor interested. for God sake, it's not good for my health.

just like what i have retweeted yesterday "it's a matter of mind over matter".
it should never be the other way around.
just like what i used to say "if i think i am happy, believe that i am indeed happy, therefore i will be happy" as simple as that. period.
it should be just like that in this situation. i won't give in.
i just need to spend a lot more time with other people, find a new comfortable zone, whilst holding tightly to my usual peers.

i really really hate situation like this and it's fucking uncomfortable.
i am kinda in rage right now. and i feel like cursing to the whole lot.

hope for a brand new day tomorrow and simply content and be happy again.

then again, on the other note, tomorrow should be perfect, as my best friends will be officially engage.
Congratulations Ninta & Arya! wishing you both a happiness through and through. :)

unsettled heart.

have been anxious this whole afternoon, turns out my mom is sick at home.
a daughter's premonition? or am i just making an assumption on baseless ground?

then again i do have another thing that make me anxious..

to you, whom i have been searching for all day without me even realizing it..
whom i have a good impression with. who can easily makes me laugh.
yeah you, i probably fall for you..
but i think it's not worth it. and the horror is, its probably a force majeure kind of situation.

so, please.. be still.





















be still my beating heart.
whether it was the premonition.. or it was me falling hard..
be still.
as i have been anxious all day. i cannot concentrate.

Reassurance?

time flies, and suddenly i have been single for a year.
never care to be in a relationship or something close to it after that.
being busy with works and simply bonding with friends and family.
and it's more than enough.. until now apparently..

when i got out of my 5 years long relationship, it felt like my energy that has been drawn in those 5 years have to be recharge as soon as possible. and i have been out and about with my peers.
reconnect to some old friends that have drew apart due to me being busy with my then boyfriend.
and i have been happy this year, have been having a blast. find myself back and me, my family and my friend are all in the best state ever, our relationship couldn't be more close.

now, something is a little bit off, i am craving for something more..
whether its because of someone or something, is still the question that needed to be answered
and with that said, i just can't wait to know what the future has in its pocket for me..

Loves,
Rani

Insecurity and trust.

"A person who is insecure lacks confidence in their own value and capability, lacks trust in themselves or others, or has fears that a present positive state is temporary and will let them down and cause them loss or distress by "going wrong" in the future."


I have been through a state where i feel so insecure, a feeling of not good enough, a feeling of distrust towards my loved ones. those feelings are a hell hole. when you start developing those kind of feeling, it opens so many doors that leads you to being paranoid all the time. and it's tiring.
and when you are tired, you will be careless and simply don't care anymore.

i hate being insecure. and i have been in a relationship where my ex-boyfriend was the reason i became like that. and he did not help to make it easier even though i already tried talking to him. he didn't know how to make things right. and when he made an effort, it was just too late. i became that cold person who simply don't care. that's why i broke up with him. i can't trust him and the many chances in that 5 years we were together that i gave him apparently cannot build my trust again.
i realized now when that trust was broken, he never fully fix it, instead he broke it even more, smash it and left it hanging. insecurity in a relationship comes from a feeling of distrust.

so i learn from that.. after i broke up, i was able to putting myself back together with a help from my best friends. and i can say that i am being reborn. i am happy as ever right now, my best friends are always there and they make me laugh, always. and we talk about everything, and i mean literally everything. there are no lies, no fakeness, our relationship have no room for insecurity. we might be gossiping about each other a lot, but those thing we're saying behind, we will be telling it directly to the person at the end. our bond and closeness is overwhelming.

this friends for life type of relationship is rare and i feel so blessed to have it. there are some people who didn't have this type of friend and end up being a back stabber. some people who didn't have any real friends. because there are no trust, it left so many rooms for insecurity. afraid that their friend will talk behind their back, afraid that these friends will left them, afraid that their secrets will be leak out. so many things to be afraid of.. what's even worse is when you think he/she is your real friend, but the truth is they actually don't like you. that is the worst thing possible. if that happen, i don't know who should be blame.. i cannot imagine myself in that position. so, that's why i am so thankful.

i feel like writing about all of these because of one recent event. not because i still have grudge, nothing like that at all. now, i am not the one who is insecure, but i might be causing someone to feel it. because i have been there, i understood. but what made me angry is the way she handled things. lies, uncontrollable emotions, involving third party into the mess, basically everything that is wrong.
seriously, i am not one to ruins other people's relationship. everything she thought of was wrong. i could care less about her relationship, i just care about his family. and even when i met his family, i choose the time when he is not around. basically because i respect her feeling, even though apparently she is not one to respect mine.
i am so angry, but there's a part of me who pity her too. i mean how insecure one should be, to snooping around my twitter account up until october 2010? i mean how much drive she must have.. because when i try to do it myself (snooping on my own twitter acc), i almost give up. and how insecure she was to try find things about me, when i don't even care about her boyfriend anymore, when i don't even in contact with him anymore.. and she even have the effort to ask her friend to ask about me to my best friend's friend, confusing no? so much people being put into this.
at first i don't care, i was just laughing it off. said she was just being weird and pity her. but then she came up with something and trying to put a blame on me, it sets me off. i am so angry, because of what she said didn't even make sense, she's not that important for me to be written on my twitter account. i spilled it all out, and basically what i am saying are all true whereas she only exaggerate things. she make all the wrong moves after, lies some more and even stupid to tell those things to a person who is basically trust me more. and she's not even good friend with her, and she suddenly tells all that. what she wants to gain from that? to pull the girl to her side? i can always pull her back, she is my best friend's best friend. and my best friend knows exactly what happened to me. go find a real friend and tell your stories to her instead.

i wish she have more guts to tell all those lies directly at me.

i might be angry right now, but i understood her. i just wish she do something to make it right. apologize should be a first step i think.. well then again not every people have the same thought as mind.

i feel like lashing out my anger and it's done. i talk to my best friend, cursing her and then laughing. also i am writing it down here, so now i am good. even if she wants him not to contacting me anymore, i am all good. since it doesn't really affect my life. i just wish he would tell me first if he will do that.

Regards,
Rani

After 6 months..

.. since my last post.

so much things happened over 6 or 7 months since June 2010
my thesis got an A on July 2010, and i graduated on August
i have spent July 2010 with a blast after i successfully defend my thesis
i had spent weekends at Bandung simultaneously with best friends, the first weekend on July with childhood friends, try on new places at Bandung and indulging ourselves with foods.
and the next weekend, i spent it with my high school friends, try on new things, like off-road gokart and riding on ATV.
Such a blissful month.
and then i graduate, spent fasting month and celebrated Ied Day with my Big Family.

then comes October..

Where i got my current job. my life has been like a roller coaster ride since then.
never was a workaholic, but my job require me to be one.
its an enjoyable office, but i stress out a lot because of the job desc.
i love the people, but i think i will not last all that long in this office.
i learn a lot though, like a lot. and this will be a great experience.

an opportunity to live my ever dream came, because of my current client is having a project involving them to go to Greece, i might be going too at the end of this June for 10 days.
surely the way to finally go there will be filled with rocks and thorns, will make me bleeding all the waaaaaay .. to the Greece.
although my boss was already said that i am going, but i think its too good to be true.
a 10 days trip to one of the places i want to go to before i die for FREE?
isn't that too good to be true?
although it will be for work, instead of holiday, i still think its too good to be true.
and i am a firm believer, that when things are too surreal, too good to be true, then it is too good to be true.

just wait till 18th of June i think, that's when all the things will be finalized. and there will be a certain decision on whether i am going to Greece or not.
truth be told i am not that excited when i heard the news. stupid much you must say isn't it?
especially when Greece is the number one on my list of places i have to see before i die
but it's just doesn't seem real, and i must have think of the painful road i have to took to get there.
seems like, i can only get excited when the ticket is already on my hand with my name written on it. and when all the projects before are already done of course.

that's one of exciting news these past months. and it's about work.

And then comes 2011 and i started it with a bunch of best friends, watching fireworks up in a hill just outside Bandung. we were having BBQ and play paint balls, simply having fun.

a recent event which i never guessed would happen is taking place right now.
my two best friends are in a relationship or committed relationship if i am saying it with their words. tho its only slightly different, they insist on calling themselves as partner instead of boyfriend-girlfriend. yeah, right whatever (rolls eyes).
but still, i am over the moon. who wouldn't be happy if two of your best friends were being happily in love together. and their like my BEST friends. its Amy and Rian.
I have known Amy since 11 years ago, and been close for like forever. and i already been best friend with Rian since 8 years or so. i know them so well, and i made this happen. yes, i do take credit for it. (grin)

because i was the first one to think that these two people were a match, so i try to talk them into getting to know each other. and finally Rian made a move, and i am sitting on a side (quietly and peacefully), just watching on how their relationship progressing. and now i am like a happy mother to see that without excessive meddling from me, they truly are a match. so, i am right all along.
this was a personal project for me. i never told them of what the do's and dont's while they're getting to know each other. i mean, i could've just make it easier, and giving each of them direction on how they should treat each other, since i know exactly what makes each of them happy or upset (yes, i know them that well). but i just want them to be exactly who they are to each other, not their pretentious self, even if it took a slower progress but i think there's no need to rush. all the good things in life should took time to build. then again i believe, it's their true selves that are a match. and i just have to say it again, my personal project is successful. thank God.
I love the two of them to death, and i could not be any happier seeing them right now. the two of them have been through a lot with their past relationship, and they deserves to be happy with each other.

there are a lot of things happened during these past 6 months, i should've wrote it down often during that period. When there are exciting things happening in my life. or even not so exciting things. just so i can look back, reading things i have done and reminiscing. like what i just did this morning, reading my own blog and found how time flies. and how i grew a lot from time to time.
i just wish i'd grow into a better person.

i have been the happiest in my life since the second part of 2010. and reading my blog kinda made me all sentimental. i surely experienced a lot of things in my life, that makes me who i am right now.

have a great weekend!

Loves,
Rani